The last ten days have been anything but great. My mom was admitted into the hospital for a bowel obstruction, which ended up requiring massive gut surgery and loss of a foot of small intestine and her appendix. Surgery was the same day that my dad had his second round of chemo. That was followed by my husband and I having two epic (EPIC) fights, to the point that I really wasn’t sure that we weren’t done, and a whole bunch of menial crap that happened all at the same time.
Recently I’ve joined a community band. I have a BA in Music from Ole Miss, which I’ve never used, nor had the desire to use. However, 10 years post graduation, there’s been a void that needed filling, post motherhood, post settling into adulting, and my very special ENFP friend (who is also a musician) encouraged me to get back into music. So I did. In any case, I play French Horn. My teacher encouraged me to change mouthpieces in college. I moved from a Lawson something (I don’t remember), to a Giardinelli S14, which I’ve had a love hate relationship with ever since the switch (I fatigue quickly, and when fatigued my embouchure slides; it’s a bad fit). I’ve done a TON of research on mouthpieces, and what works best for what horn/person, and came up with the Laskey 775F. The only problem with this, is apparently they don’t make millions of these a year, and retailers are limited. I found a retailer, ordered it, paid a little extra so I could track it, boom. Easy, right? Wrong. The tracking receipt said it was very much delivered, however, I was very much not in receipt of one mouthpiece. Multiple calls to the vendor and post office resulted in a claim being filed, and while it all processed, still in search of the glass slipper mouthpiece, I ordered the 75G and 80G to try from a different vendor (because NOBODY has a 775F. NOBODY). Saturday, I got possibly the happiest phone call ever – my mouthpiece had been found. It was hand delivered to me later that day, and the 775F is every bit as amazing as I thought it would be. Anyway, why does all this matter? It doesn’t really, but it gives a little back story of how important this was to me. The night of epic fight #2 was the day that the mouthpiece didn’t show up. A week later, I’m not really sure what the whole content of the fight was (lots of him being lazy, me being maxed out with mom in hospital and dad on chemo, etc.), but in any case, I left to go to rehearsal in tears. And I never cry. I texted Mr. ENFP who immediately called me, and had my back. He insisted that I go to rehearsal (it was the practice pre performance; you don’t miss that unless you are literally dying), and it was exactly what I needed.
In the midst of all of this, Mr. ENFP decides that he needs to see his sort of ex, like at the beginning of a divorce ex. Naturally, it goes awfully. He doesn’t get the closure he wants, which I believe we both knew would happen, and is left raw and distraught, just in time to go to Flagstaff with his girlfriend. We end up talking for an hour before he heads north (he’s in Phoenix), and then zero contact over the weekend.
Sunday, I have my very first concert with the community band (which mostly went well), and I hear nothing. Radio silence. Not so much as a text message from Mr. ENFP who was SO insistent on me getting back into music (and who knew about the concert). He finally checks in around 9:30, when I’m getting ready for bed, with some menial ‘what’s up’ text (although worded better than that, because, we’re in our 30’s. We use actual words now). I felt really silly about being upset that he forgot about the concert (we’ve talked about it a lot), until four people asked me about it at work with zero prompting.
Then it comes back to the wonder of is this just friendship, or is it something more (on my end, not his, although anytime I leave him alone for more than 24 hours, I hear from him, which brings up the question of how honest he’s being with himself) (we were involved in high school, a year off and on (he lived way down south and we saw each other at honor bands), a good amount of foreplay, no sex). I love my husband dearly. But having a toddler and a busy life is hard on any marriage. Mr. ENFP is available (presumably because he has no toddler), and easy to talk to, and has always been a good friend. I’ve bolstered him up through getting to his divorce; he’s helped me through cancer with my dad. He always claims we’re just friends, but sometimes I just don’t know. The connection we have, that we always have had, is real. It’s very different this go round (it’s been more than a decade since we’ve seen each other), but probably deeper than it ever was. I’ve pondered exactly what our relationship is many many many times, and even when I’m sure he’s 100% in the friend’s box, he does (or doesn’t do) something like this, and I feel hurt, which makes me wonder all over again.
So here I sit, spinning around in circles, walls up, not sure what to do.