The ENFP friend(s)

I have always been very particular about trust.  I am very protective of myself, very self sufficient, and the idea of actually needing others and relying on others makes me want to vomit, quite literally.  However, I have two very dear ENFP friends who I offer up my life to, including all the feels.  Despite these two (one male, one female) having the same MBTI type, you could not find two more different people.  In an effort to keep anonymity, the female ENFP is light, easy, and the friendliest person you’ll ever meet, with a zany intelligence that will match anyone toe for toe, all while being a devoted and talented musician (we were each other’s biggest competition in high school).  We have been inseparable since fourth grade.  The male and I actually have a little bit of a history.  We met at an honor band in high school.  There was an instant attraction (I think we went from meeting to making out in the span of an hour and a half).  We kept up with each other off and on through college (he went to one SEC school, while I went to its rival), and have remained facebook friends.  He is simultaneously the lightest yet deepest person I have ever met.  He also is hands down the most talented musician I have ever known, ever.  We reconnected over the summer as his marriage was falling apart.  Somewhere along the line, I became a deeply trusted confidant, and still hold that role.  While the nature is purely platonic in this context, the friendship has been fast, fierce, and enduring.  Additionally, he is possibly the most accepting person of me as me that I’ve ever known (my husband is a very close second on that front, but does sometimes have issues with my dry logic).  Between the two of them, they have gotten me back into music, and he has helped me branch back out and make a few select friends (although floating 5 friendships all at once is seriously exhausting).

It brings an interesting twist to life, as I’ve been married for 7 years now.  Can you be friends with someone of the opposite sex?  I say (and firmly believe) yes.  We have acknowledged the history.  My husband knows of the history.  I’m annoyingly transparent about our friendship (also exhausting).  Admittedly, if we were both single, I might completely uproot my life to be with this guy, but I’m mostly happily married, and he has a girlfriend, plus is fixing to go through what will no undoubtedly be an awful divorce.  Most people say the heart wants what it can’t have, but really, with me, the mind looks at the whole situation and says it’ll never be, so why want.

I write about this today, as the issue was an issue yesterday.  My male friend was having a particularly emotional day, so he called.  I talked while entertaining our almost two year old toddler, and cooking dinner.  Afterwards, there was a huge explosive fight, followed by lots of silence, and ‘I love you’s’ on my husband’s part, which has continued into today.  My guy friend and husband have not ever met.  There are tentative plans for the two of them to meet around Christmas (he doesn’t live close at all), but that is all very tentative.  I don’t make light of the relationship my guy ENFP and I have.  I won’t lie; I’ve spent many hours pondering what could have been, and whether it would have worked.  But, at a place that I am at now, I really do believe he’s just my pal.  Probably one of my best friends, but nonetheless a friend.

So what do you do with that?  Obviously it’s a spring stretching to its tightness juggling my friend and husband.  Running in the background is my father, who is fighting with lung cancer (never smoker, don’t judge), and will probably die in the nearer future.  It’s been a battle for four years, which is insanely remarkable, but we are nearing that critical point of cancer ratio to organs.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) my male friend’s father also died of cancer.  Sometimes you need that connection when you need to be negative, or realistic.  The giant red line in the sand has been drawn.  On occasion, my husband challenges it, but then steps back realizing that I do love him (and our son) dearly.

Time will tell, I know, but in the meantime, life is a tangled dysfunctional mess.

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Author: theintjfemaleunicorn

Everyone thinks they’re weird. I’m scientifically quantified as weird. Representing as little as 0.8% of the population (and only as much as 2%), you’ve found me: The INTJ female. The unicorn among women. The personality combination that statistically you can go your whole life without seeing again. I’m in my mid 30’s. I have red hair and blue eyes (and fit all of the stereotypes), which officially makes me even more weird. I work in law by day, and play French Horn on the side with a local community band. I cook (like make your own pasta from scratch cook). I have a toddler who is constantly shaking up my life, and am married to a wonderful INFJ man. Nobody gets names here to keep anonymity. I’d like to say there’s a theme, but life evolves. Themes are unnecessary. I’m an INTJ female, and these are my musings from that point of view. Enjoy!

3 thoughts on “The ENFP friend(s)”

  1. I think for us INTJs we are so rational and logical and sometimes robotical that we look at something and say as you mentioned “I can’t have that so why bother wanting it.” It confuses the hell out of most people! I have very defined roles for each important person in my life and I can be very transparent especially if someone makes it through the rough interrogation phase of initial meeting and I often say, this is the role in my life you fit if you’re happy with that great if not then it’s not going to work. So I think that most types can’t have opposite sex relationships but INTJs are exceptions to that rule. We never let emotions get the best of us. We’re also very truthful, we’ll let someone know if they’re trying to go out of the role we’ve previously clearly defined for them.

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    1. I agree. It’s not a loosely defined friendship. It fills a very important but very specific niche. And really, all of my actual friendships do. The two guys met each other at Thanksgiving which seemed to solve a lot of everyone’s growing pains. Also, while I’m terrible at letting my feelings out, I surround myself with those who are better at it and by default encourage me to do so. Almost anyone close to me, except for an ENTJ is some sort of intuitive feeler. The two closest friends are ENFPs (go figure), and I married an INFJ.

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      1. I agree. I typically choose people who remind me that I’m human and need other humans. On the flip side sometimes these people feel TOO much and it gets overwhelming.

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